3 Things Being a Dad Taught Me About Successful Conflict Resolution
I grew up in the 90s (look at the picture as evidence).
This was the era of high-top fades, shiny shoes, and ultra-baggy pants.Everyone was in a dance group, and everyone was a rapper on the side (whether you could rhyme or not). I can’t say I didn’t pen a few lyrics myself. But though I had a notebook of rhymes, I never became LL Kool J, Big Daddy Kane, Heavy D, KRS ONE, or Kid and Play (for the uninitiated, these were notable rappers of the era).
I never was picked up by a record label. I never was featured on “YO MTV Raps” and talked to Fab Five Freddy or Ed Lover. It wasn’t until years later did I finally have my breakthrough. My chart-topping jam was very simple.
It was a song that was only one verse long. Though you probably haven’t heard it, let me tell you the story of when this banger finally dropped.
As some might know, I am a girl dad.
That means I’ve had long conversations where I have listened to my daughters speak with passion without having space to utter a word.
It means long days at the shopping mall. It means waking up from naps with my fingernails painted hot pink, grape purple, or fire engine red.
It also means having to break up fights and resolve arguments amongst sisters.
1. Establish Rules
Know What Things Need To Be Agreed On By Each Party To Move Forward In The Conflict Resolution Process.
While there were different applications of problems solving principles, we center conflict resolution in our household on these two important rules:
RULE #1: A sister can’t talk to Dad concerning a problem regarding another sister without the other sister(s) being present.
RULE #2: If, after attempting to resolve conflict through dialogue, escalates into a loud argument or a physical fight, then it's time to sing and dance.
When things got out of control, I would make them join hands, look at each other in the eyes, and dance in a circle. And it was then that they were to sing this chart-topping song:
“I love My Sister. My Sister Loves Me.”
They so hated this little jingle.
Because they would have to unclench their fists, reset their jaw, and soften their mouth to sing. But in almost every case, the sessions (sometimes they went on a while) ended with laughter and smiles.
2. Understand Your Goals
Knowing What You Want To See Accomplished from Your Conflict Resolution Efforts is Key.
The reason the rules I set worked is that the jingle accomplished 3 specific things:
Shifted the Focus: The aggrieved parties were forced to engage differently.
Created Connection: Conflict brought disconnect, and disdain for the song created a common cause.
Re-established Relationship: The bigger picture was emphasized and made most significant.
3. Stay Solution-Focused
Always Keep The Intention On Resolving the Conflict Rather Than Maintaining a Position.
When stuck in conflict, take a step back and:
SHIFT the focus: Elevate the conversation beyond points of polarization, and look constructively to solve the problem.
Create CONNECTION: Pause and find a common cause. Discover what is the WHY behind the WHAT of the conflict (is it a misunderstanding? Miscommunication? What is it?)
RE-ESTABLISH relationship: During the conflict, it is easy to reduce the person(s) to their point of view, completely disconnected from the person themselves. Re-establish them as a person with a different perspective, rather than a different perspective with a person attached.
Being a dad is no doubt one of the most rewarding jobs–and one of the hardest.
But as it turns out, many of the same skills that make you a good parent also make you a good leader with effective conflict resolution being one of those skills.
Leadership development helps us establish the core skills we can carry into both our personal and professional lives, like active listening, patience, problem-solving, and understanding diverse perspectives.
Fortunately, there are several ways to develop your leadership and conflict resolution skills these days. One is reading books. Some of my favorites include Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek and Linchpin by Seth Godin.
Another is to take part in leadership training and workshops like those offered by Culture Creative.
And if none of the above work, then perhaps you should get in a circle and sing my song.
About Julian Newman
The founder of Culture Creative, an award-winning DEI consultant firm, thought leader, motivational speaker, author, and proud #GirlDad, Julian Newman is on a mission to develop more culturally aware leaders, employees, and empowered communities. As a DEIB leader and consultant, his clients include United Nations (UN) Women, Michigan State, Leo Burnett, and many more.
Learn more about Julian and his work at culturecreative.tv